This bitter story is meant to represent, in a satirical and paradoxical way,
how dull married life can be when it's diverted by a vulgar and selfish
idea of pleasure, and by bigoted formalities, coming from
an absolutely superficial and exterior interpretation of the sound
and unchangeable principles of morality and religion.
- Walk on! - How?
- The whole square with our eyes closed? - Go on.
- We'll never make it, Alfonso! - Don't worry.
Don't worry, my eye!
Last year I did it twice.
Sure, then a car comes by and runs us over.
Just keep your center of gravity still in your mind.
- Yes... - And go straight forward.
We can't make it!
One, two, three, four, five... my goodness!
It's five o' clock. If I were married, I'd be enjoying my first sleep...
instead of going around like an idiot.
You're the one who wanted to go dancing, not me.
Girls! Should I get married or not?
Alfonso! We're getting cold! Let's go!
- You sleepy idiots! - Look where you're going!
- You drunkards! - Shut up!
I'm getting bored; I'm leaving. Come, Maria. Come!
Let's go, Alfonso!
Women! I'm on auction!
Bye!
Dad, what make is that car?
How should I know? It must be an English car.
Hello.
- Come! Come, Ribulsi! - Yes, sir, I'm following you.
I want you to see something, just out of curiosity.
- Good morning! - You see this collection of "butterflies"?
I'm becoming a collector. These are yours.
I was counting especially on yours, do you understand?
You can certainly count on me, you know that those are like gold, right?
If they're gold, why don't we cash them in at the bank,
- so that I can make something out of it? - How could you even think that?
Trust me! You will be paid!
Try to understand, Ribulsi, everyone has his own commitments.
I'm getting married, you know? See?
I see. My best wishes! Best wishes!
Thank you. For instance, here are 900,000 lire and unfortunately...
- I can't pay for a ring using promissory notes. - That's like real money.
- You can count on it. - I'm counting on you!
Ribulsi! Excuse me, Alfonso.
- Goodbye, ladies. - Goodbye! - Have faith!
- Listen. - Yes? - Make up your mind or I'll lose the car.
- Please, not while I'm working! - We've been waiting for two hours.
- I know, stay calm! - What are we doing tonight? - I don't know...
What has Riccardo decided?
Riccardo is waiting for your decision.
- And I'm waiting for his! - So, what shall we do?
- I'll call him later. - Good morning, Citroën Dealer.
Yes, sir, certainly... Sure...
- Riccardo! - Yes? - Excuse me, Ribulsi, he'll be right back.
Certainly, sir, we'll be happy to serve you!
Listen, Riccardo.
Please tell the girls that I'm busy tonight.
Besides, don't let them come here in the office, at least!
- They're nice though, aren't they? - Yes, but they're not good decoration.
Besides, it's not the right time. I'm settling down, I'm getting married.
- I didn't ask them to come... - I know...
They want to know what we're doing tonight.
I won't come. If you want to go out with them, go ahead.
And tell Jacqueline that I'm getting married!
She must not bother me, okay?
I won't! You must tell her!
- No, you tell her, my boy! - You tell her...
You introduced me to her!
- Come on! - Alfonso!
Ribulsi!
- Goodbye! - What are you doing to that car? Do you want to break it?
Close the door.
Come, come! Come and take a look at my late family.
This is my poor Giovanni, my brother-in-law,
my sister's husband.
- Poor guy... - The one in the middle?
All these books belonged to the men of my family.
My uncle, my brother, my grandfather and my grandfather's grandfather.
Old memories...
This is Regina's father.
- Her father? - Her father. Oh, dear!
He had the same nature as her, you know? Always cheerful...
He died happy; he looked like a diplomat, with a smile on his face.
My goodness! This record player doesn't work anymore.
Why don't you ask Pompa Marcelli to bring you a newer one?
I bought it because it worked well alongside my German radio.
What a miser!
< You can't imagine how it was during the Spanish flu epidemic.
Aunt Mafalda stole my fiancé.
- Alfonsino? - Yes!
Thank you, Father Mariano! I'm so happy!
< This is my only consolation. - Father Mariano!
< My poor son Tiziano...
Will you let my fiancé stay with me now?
My dear, I was just showing him our family shrine.
Aunt, why don't you throw all this old stuff away?
No! No! The whole apartment is yours,
but I want these sacred memories of mine to remain here.
- I beg your pardon. - Come! Look! Come with me!
- I'm coming. - Come with me.
- Coming, Regina? - No, aunt...
- Take a look at this! - Don't show him that!
- No, no, no... - Regina! I'm not a kid!
- It's terrible! - Look! Look!
This is Giovanni, the way we found him.
- My God! - And then they talk about the Chinese...
We are two poor old women, alone.
< I already had some, thanks! - If you only knew...
how much we long for a man to stand by us,
and be the head of the family.
Alfonso, do you understand your new responsibilities?
Yes, sure. But you already have a head of the family: Igi, right?
< My dear dumb cousin. - What are you laughing about? You idiot!
No! Not like that! Come here.
- Igi, come to your auntie. - Igi, my eye!
That's good.
- Okay! Leave my hair alone! - Go now, okay?
- Alfonso, have you ever lived among women? - No, why?
Lucky you!
You don't know what it means to spend your childhood with so many aunts.
- Do you know what the Chinese say? - No.
They say that every time you go back home you should beat your wife!
Because, even though she doesn't know why, you know it well!
It's the opposite, you know?
Go dress up, they're waiting for you! This boy...
You'll see, my dear Alfonso!
- Alfonso, would you like something to drink? - With pleasure.
- I'm a little thirsty. - Go ahead.
- We have some good champagne. < Old? I don't feel old!
Regina, I want to tell you something funny.
Sorry Alfonso, but I want to tell her, it's too funny!
- No, never mind. - No, no!
When I told him about you, you know what he said?
Don't listen to him.
"You're nuts!"
"I don't want to have anything to do with bigots or daughters of Mary!"
I never said anything like it.
< Father, why are you so naughty? - I was a daughter of Mary.
- Daughter of Mary?! - Poor Alfonso, they're teasing you.
I'm kidding.
- Come, let's go to the terrace. - As you wish.
< How nice they are!
< Regina is very lucky...
< He's forty, but he doesn't look his age. - How nice it is!
- Do you like it? - You wanted to surprise me, didn't you?
Honey...
Listen, listen! What is it?
It's a choir. They're rehearsing.
Nice.
Are you Regina's brother?
- Yes! - You know, Regina is quite a nice young woman.
I suppose! It's a family feature.
- Listen: are you engaged? - Yes.
Why don't you go and comb your boyfriend's head, then?
It's too cold!
Alfonso, why don't you jump into the water?
It's beautiful!
What amazing sunlight!
You don't know what you're missing. The water is so cool!
- We'll have a swim later, Alfonso. - In the afternoon.
The water's too cold for me now!
- Would you put your hand on my back? - Yes.
- No sand, though, okay? - No, no, don't worry!
How cold you are!
- She's so cold! - Really?
Regina, would you hand me the bag? I need some oil.
- Yes. - Can't you do it yourself?
- Well, it's just... - Never mind.
- Here! - Thanks!
- My arm... - She certainly looks nice in her bikini, doesn't she?
She's got such long legs!
I'd rather wear a one-piece swimsuit. It's more practical.
And less frivolous.
- Really? - A beautiful woman has nothing to lose!
- You are beautiful! < Nadia! < Yes?
< Come, I'll rub some oil on you. - You're tickling me.
< Thank you, Riccardo! - You don't want to?
- No. - Come on... - No.
I'll do it anyway...
First some oil, right?
First the oil, Riccardino.
- Here? - Yes.
- Some here... < How's the water?
< It's warm!
No... Up...
< I won't swim, then.
Well, I'm going to change my swimsuit.
- Up... - Some on your belly...
- Just a little... - No!
- But the sun will burn it. - Not on my belly, only on my shoulders.
- Riccardo! - Yes?
- Stop it. - Where are you going, Alfonso?
I'm going with Regina.
Did you see them? A one-piece swimsuit...
< Look, he's nuts! - And then they lock themselves up.
What's wrong with it? They love each other...
If there's one thing I hate, it's vulgarity.
But he's a friend of yours.
Not exactly. We're in business together. You know...
You have to hang out with your business partners...
We don't have to talk about it. He's a nice guy, anyway.
Well... But you're getting cold!
- Why don't you drink a cognac? - No, no. I'd like to change my swimsuit.
- Where can I go? - Here.
- No... - I'll step out!
You little fool...
Go upstairs, then. There are many rooms.
- The stairs are over there. Bye! - I'll come back right away.
Why are you saying "bye"?
Well, you're leaving. But you will come back, right? Be quick!
How beautiful you are!
Don't move! I won't do anything.
What do you mean, "I won't do anything"?
Nothing... just don't be afraid.
- I'm not afraid. - Don't worry: I'll be good.
I like you because you are not biased.
- Biased how? - Well, just biased...
I trust you. You love me, right?
- Sure I do. - Excuse me.
- Don't look at me like that. - It's hard not to!
Look me in the eyes. That's much better, isn't it?
You must be patient.
There's no hidden reason and it's not just bourgeois bias.
It's a gift that I want to keep for the man that I'll love.
A wonderful gift.
If you become my husband, you will thank me for this.
This is the only gift I can make.
Alfonso. Come on, let's go watch the sea.
Everything went well, right? I can tell.
You haven't understood anything.
You know why I'm happy?
Because I didn't score at all!
- You didn't? - We're not used to this kind of women.
You don't understand, but that's the best gift...
that life can give us. Look at her!
Come! How beautiful is the sea.
You've made me wait until now, but tonight you'll be mine.
- I'm telling you... - We're in Church!
Come and visit us often; the children need you.
Certainly. You know that I'll never forget you.
Bye... Bye, Regina!
If I hadn't come to have my x-ray on that day...
In nine months I want to baptize your first child. Agreed?
Be still!
Thank you.
- Ready, sister? - Am I in the way?
- No, no. - Thank you!
- Come, Alfonso. - Here I come.
A little kiss.
Come on!
Lucky youth! Come, Regina.
- Uncle, I'm so happy! - You'll see how we arranged Saint Lia.
You won't recognize her.
Work is well under way in the holy temple.
Everything on my own, I'm the only one interested in it...
- Look at this beautiful baroque. - Nobody else takes care of it.
Look at this, for instance...
Do you remember Saint Anthony? Look at this painting.
Such harmony! It's a perfect work.
But look here... and here...
I need a good painter to fix it.
And I have to take care of everything, because neither the local office...
- nor anybody else will. - How much is it worth?
Commercially, I don't know, because the Church can't sell anything,
but I guess it could be worth five or six million.
Uncle, I'd like to give my orange flowers to Saint Lia.
You're right, dear niece. You'll see how beautiful she is!
She looks beautiful. Everything new. Everything renovated.
Just imagine: I asked the embalmers of His Holiness to come here!
< I'd like to tell you what happened to me...
< Don't take the Parish under your arm!
There she is.
Look.
Look how beautiful she is!
Thank you, Saint Lia. Excuse me.
This is the most beautiful souvenir of my childhood.
So many nights I dreamed of her! Who is he?
She's a woman, Saint Lia.
You're teasing me... Saint Lia?
- Can't you see the beard? - She's a woman, I'm telling you.
The beard is the miracle, don't you know?
No. What miracle?
When Saint Lia was a young girl, she used to go fetch the water...
from the fountain in the village.
One day she was attacked by two men...
that wanted to... Well, you understand, don't you?
No, I don't!
What could they want? She had a beard!
No, she had no beard as yet.
When she realized that those men wanted to take her purity...
she fell on her knees and prayed to the Holy Virgin to save her, so...
- The Holy Virgin let her grow a beard. - Right!
- Will you give me some money? - Yes.
< Who's whistling in Church?
Thus she became the Patron of the young girls in the village.
Nowadays the young girls, dressed in white, take her in procession...
and ask her to be blessed with a good husband.
Did you often go in procession?
Yes, always.
I used to dress in gold and silver, with little wings.
- Really? - Let's see.
- Uncle Giuseppe... - Would you like some cards?
- Thank you. - As a souvenir...
- Can we mail them? - Absolutely!
- Remember our Saint, okay? - Yes.
- I suggest you take some rest. We're all tired. - Where?
In uncle Giovanni's room.
- Thank you! - Dear nephew...
you're about to see one of the finest examples...
of religious fortifications.
Do you remember how many times you have played in this room?
Alfonso! Alfon... There's no echo.
Little fool!
This was a fortified convent!
- Look, Alfonso. - How many apples! The parish harvest?
These are real apples! Not like those from the city.
- Have a bite. - They're very good.
If you like them - this one's for me...
- How tasty! - If you like them...
I could send you 200 or 300 kg of them.
- Sure! - You'd appreciate it, right?
- Reverend! - Come, Alfonso.
- Excuse me. < Come!
- Why are you speaking so loudly? - The surveyor from the municipality is here!
- What timing! - It's not my fault!
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
- It's locked! - He forgot the keys.
He's getting old!
Uncle! Uncle!
He's become a little deaf, too.
What shall we do now?
Come.
Where are you going?
Wait! Where are you going?
Come!
What's this?
But... Who put it here?
There's a skeleton with all his bones...
I'll take this.
We'll put it here, okay?
- This is a nice piece of furniture. - Be careful!
- The trinkets too. - Hand them to me.
This...
This furniture would go very well in my wife's house.
- Have your tastes changed? - My tastes haven't changed...
- Right... - I have evolved.
We had no time to think about the furniture...
Antique furniture doesn't lose its value over time.
But you used to really like this stuff.
- It's beautiful; you don't get tired of it. - What about that?
Modern furniture loses its appeal. All that stuff can go.
- What about the painting? - Everything goes.
- But you used to... - I don't like modern stuff.
This one comes with me.
- It's not antique, but I like it. - What about the pier glass?
- I'll give it to you. - Slowly!
Holy cow, what a narrow stairway!
Alfonso!
Say, how's it going with Regina?
Great, I already told you.
How is she in bed at night?
Hey, Riccardino!
Could you be a little less vulgar?
When a marriage goes well in bed, then it's perfect!
I agree, but you could be a little more discreet.
Darn it! We're friends!
- Give it to me. - You know what?
She's the end of the world.
- Really? - Sensuality at its best.
She's a... just a wild force of nature.
How can it be? With that cute little face of hers?
- She seemed so cold... - It's the law of the opposites.
Those with a peasant-like face, when they're in bed...
- Unbelievable. - Better than the French girl?
- What French girl? - Don't you remember, in Nice?
- Sure I do. - You said she was the end of the world!
Well, she's something more. She's the beginning of a new world.
- What do you do to women? - I have nothing to do with it.
I just had some experience with "pleasure", that's all.
It's her, you get it? She takes care of everything...
What did you say?
- Experience with...? - Experience with "pleasure".
Experience with "pleasure"... That's nice.
Write it down. So you can use it too.
- So, she takes care of everything? - Yes! I already told you.
I wonder how they can know everything and yet still be virgins?
I have no idea.
I guess it's love that guides you...
You follow your instinct.
How about this big belly? Will you hang it on your bed?
Don't be stupid. I'll give it to you, if you want it.
I'll take it!
- You can give me 250,000 lire. - Holy cow!
That's by Zanetti! An original work!
And this scenery?
Where else can you see scenery like this?
At her house, but it's from a closer distance.
- Smaller. - You idiot... bigger; I'm closer!
Alfonso...
You remember our nights here?
With all those beautiful girls... Our summers here on the balcony...
You're trapped, Alfonso!
Why?
No, you're lucky.
You found a virginal woman, she's great in bed,
you're near the Vatican. What more could you ask for?
Sports news.
How firm you are!
And after our evening report, the movie:
"The carnival of life". Next, our night report...
Alfonso...
Turn it off.
- Come on! - Damn it, it hurts!
My arm...
Where is it?
Where are my pyjamas? Darn it!
Raise your leg!
- Raise your leg... - No, you're hurting me...
It's not here.
I can't find it... I can't find it...
- But I found this, and it's pretty big! - Ouch!
I'm choking.
My God, I'm choking...
There it is. There it is.
The golden coast! La Cote d'Or!
Stop it!
Little shiver...
Stop it!
Don't look at me, I'm naked!
See, if we had a remote control, from our bed...
We could turn it off.
It's a little cold.
God, it's cold!
# Tahiti way, Tahiti way, Tahiti...
What's all this noise?
Do you want to keep us awake, even at night?
And you go around the house all naked!
What did I do? For God's sake...
Nothing, but let us sleep at night!
- We can't sleep because of you! - Good night!
- A naked man around the house... - You were right to tell him!
All right! I'll cover up... Good night!
Regina! Maybe your aunt got offended?
Regina, where are you?
Come on...
Are you crazy? Goddamn it...
Are you nuts? My heart is hurting.
I'm short of breath!
- I'll make artificial breath for you. - Don't play this kind of game with me.
I can't believe it...
You know that I could have a heart attack?
I'll make artificial breath for you.
- Our help is in the name of the Lord. - Who made heaven and Earth.
- May the Lord be with you. - And also with you. - Let's pray.
Bless, Lord, this bed...
and may those who lie in it be at peace...
and live according to your will and grow and multiply...
for many years and join the kingdom of Heaven. Amen.
Amen.
Father, now I'd like you...
to bless our dining room.
I cooked some lamb for you.
I hope that you'll like it. Our men used to like it very much.
- Aren't you touched? - Certainly!
Come, Father.
- Happy Easter, my children! - Quick! Let's have the meal ready!
With all these people...
- Best wishes! - Happy Easter!
Hurrah! How happy I am at Easter time!
See, dear Mariano, I think that...
Easter is the greatest Christian holiday.
I like Christmas better, because... Christmas is merrier,
- it's more poetic... - Glory be to God on high.
< Enjoy your meal!
Regarding Easter, even Saint Paul wrote:
"Without resurrection our faith would be empty".
- But... - No, thanks.
- Christmas with your family, Easter with your friends.
It's about the sacrifice of the cross to win over death: that's Easter!
You see, at Christmas time you have the grotto, the donkey and the ox...
- the ox, the ox... - Excuse me, aunt, you can talk about it later.
- I need Father Mariano for a while. - Go ahead!
- Excuse me! - Excuse me!
- Did you give your blessing to everything? - Everything.
Come here, then.
You should bless these.
- These? - These are his eggs, you know?
His fresh eggs. Poor guy...
- What?! < Happy Easter!
You blessed those hard eggs before, right?
These are fresh, instead. They're for me.
Don't touch them! They're mine!
- You're making such a big deal over an egg! - Will you give me your blessing?
- Yes, alright... - Elvira! Elvira!
Chocolate!
< Eat your chocolate, so you'll have the runs...
- You understand? - Not really. < Don't talk back!
I'm relying on those eggs. They're all for making zabaglione.
Don't be disrespectful, okay?
Who's disrespectful?
- This matter is very serious. < Regina.
Sit down!
- Would you like anything? - No, thank you.
The eggs must produce a miracle.
I'm telling you. Otherwise, even all my good will...
- won't be of any help. - Something's wrong?
My goodness, no... Everything's alright, I can't complain.
Everybody's nice with me.
My mother-in-law, aunt Mafalda...
Business is great...
Regina is so sweet...
What's the matter, then?
She doesn't realize that I'm forty.
- Do you need anything? - We don't need anything.
We're talking, please...
Try to have a child, as soon as you can.
What do you mean, "try to have a child"?
That's the only thing we've been doing; I already told you!
Igi, please!
- I'm trying to listen! - Precisely! Excuse us, okay?
We're having a conversation! Please!
The only thing that bothers me... come!
The eggs aren't working at all.
- I hope that your blessing... - Never mind the eggs!
I'm sorry.
A child would sort things out.
There won't be just the two of you anymore.
There'll be three of you!
Wife-lover, wife-mother, wife-sister.
You understand?
Come!
< Why don't you make a little more effort?
What are you doing?
- No... - Father Mariano, can I help you?
- No, thank you, Father Giulivo! - Thank you.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough.
Everything works perfectly.
- I don't need any medicine. - I know.
It's a light tonic to get you into better shape.
- Everybody uses it! - But these are shots!
- Igi, leave them alone. - Let me stay here!
Get out of here!
< Always among women! < We can go for a ride in the country...
You know that I don't like shots, forget it.
Since you're so intimate with her,
why don't you talk to her?
You're her spiritual guide, after all.
Talk to whom?
To Regina.
You should tell her to take it easier.
Concerning this matter, Saint Alfonso de Liguori wrote on his knees,
lest he might be led into temptation.
Saint Alfonso? Is that my Saint?
Yes.
What did he write about?
About marital relationships.
- What? About marital relationships? - Yes!
He wrote about it?
In Latin.
"The spouse cannot and must not refuse...
"the other spouse's legitimate, even holy, desire".
Yes, it's a holy desire and nobody can refuse it, Alfonso.
Never?
The legitimate desire must be tempered...
by a reasonable moderation.
Yes, I understand. You're right.
But I'm ashamed to talk about this with Regina.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? - Yes.
You should thank God!
What should I do?
You'll see: time will sort it out.
Wife-lover, wife-mother, wife-sister!
But remember the final purpose I told you about.
Procreation...
Good! You haven't forgotten! Good!
Remember, a child must come soon!
Father Mariano, I just need to keep in good health...
I was looking for you. Why are you here?
I didn't feel like staying there.
I was talking to Father Mariano. What an extraordinary man!
It's starting to get hot, isn't it?
Yes.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just thinking.
- Are you angry? - No.
What is it, then?
I'm thinking...
Okay, "you're thinking"... Thinking about what?
Nothing!
I wanted to show you something.
- Look! - What is it?
- It's my grandma's nightgown. - Really?
Look how nice it is!
Very nice. A little rough, though!
The little angel...
"I don't do it for my pleasure, but to please God".
You don't understand anything! You always ruin everything!
Come on! What did I do?
Come on, Regina!
I thought it was ripped.
Poetry means nothing to you.
Our grandparents... pretty smart, right? Look at this!
Take me, I'm yours!
You fool.
Let's put it away now, or it will get ruined.
Are you sleeping?
- No. I'm dead. - Really?
I'll take the new car, so he'll be able to test it tomorrow.
- Alright. - Don't forget the promissory notes.
- Did I ever forget anything? - Let's not argue.
- Coming with me? - No! Let's talk.
- Let's go drink a coffee. - No, thank you. Bye.
Give me the keys.
- Good night, sir! - Bye!
Damn! These shots hurt like hell!
Are they of any use, at least?
They're made up of hormone extract. It usually works.
- You should lose some weight. - I know.
A handsome young man like you... look at this fat!
...from the central government seem to have occupied...
a strategic headquarters in the northern area.
The rebels aim to create a separate state.
At a level crossing on the road from Sondrio to Milan...
a Swiss car was almost hit by the buffers of a train passing by.
Fortunately, none of the tourists...
have been hurt.
They got away with just a fine.
France has decided to adopt a cooler approach...
in its dealings with Munich.
Stamps will cost 50 cents...
instead of 25 cents.
- It's you, darling? - Hi, honey!
- Hi! How... - Open up!
- Let me get the keys. - I wanted to surprise you.
- I left the keys in my jacket. - Hurry! - I'll be right back.
"Surprise"...
No!
No! No!
Holy...
A "surprise"!
Sorry, dear.
Are you happy I'm here?
Sure.
These cars look like monsters at night.
Alfonso, wait for me! I'm scared!
Say, why this late-hour visit?
I wanted to see you, so much.
Really?
Look what I brought. Beautiful, aren't they?
Beautiful. Thank you!
Let's put them here, alright?
Remove the tinfoil, at least.
Right.
You have nothing to say?
Hi!
- Can I sit down? - Yes, sure. Sorry.
I'll watch you while you work.
Yes. But I'm telling you...
- You can't stay longer than half an hour. - As you wish.
Otherwise you'll get tired... and it'll be late...
I'm sure you'd get tired.
You know, I...
Will you often work like this, at night?
No. Not often, just tonight.
We're afraid of the tax police.
This is a dangerous time, they're obsessed with us.
- Did you eat? - No.
- Aren't you going to eat? - No, no.
At least not until I'm hungry...
I'm always talking and you can't work.
No, go ahead...
It's not difficult work...
I only need to...
check something.
On the contrary, go ahead and talk; I like that.
What's this? A sofa bed?
- What? - Is it a sofa bed?
I think so.
Yes, it must be one of those sofas that you can pull out.
I'd never seen it before. Was it already here?
Yes, it always has been.
Even before getting married?
Since we furnished the hall and bought the furniture.
It's always been here. Can't you remember?
The sofa, the armchairs, everything. Why?
It's quite big.
Honey, look at me!
You're getting the wrong idea.
I've never done that sort of thing here in the office! Never.
- No way! - I don't believe you.
Why?
Because it seems impossible.
I'm not saying you do it now - I'm not jealous -
but didn't it ever happen before getting married?
No, never.
Why is there a bed in here, then?
- What's that got to do with it? It's a sofa. - Swear it!
Sure, I can swear it.
No, no. Don't swear, it would be a mortal sin.
Alright!
Anyway, it has no importance at all, right?
I've married you. The rest doesn't count, right?
Well, I'm interested. Just for the sake of it.
You always ask me to tell you everything, but you never do.
What do you want me to tell you?
I'm forty, I married you, I'm an old man now!
All the rest seems so distant.
And, above all, without any importance.
Okay, I understand, you don't want to talk about it.
It's not that...
I bought some new stockings.
Really?
- Do you like them? - Very nice!
- Do you like the color? - Black, right?
- Yes. - Black?
Touch them.
Did you really buy black stockings?
So smooth...
Stop it, please! Otherwise it'll end up badly!
If I were a woman you'd just met, what would you do?
A woman I'd just met?
I've never thought about other women since I got married.
Will you ever realize that I've taken marriage seriously?
Where have I put that document?
I'm sure it was here...
I can't find it.
Are you nuts?
Are you doing a striptease now?
Regina, you're my wife, you know?
What if I were another woman?
Here we go again! You're my wife, not another woman!
You don't understand anything.
Come on... Don't make that long face.
I'm not used to it, I'm sorry.
It's the first time you've behaved like that.
- Hello, who's speaking? - The woman from the car showroom.
- Who? - I'm your wife, you dummy!
Hi, darling. How come you're not in bed yet?
- What are you doing? - And you?
I'm still working - I'm not done yet.
Just come home. Did you like the girl from the car showroom?
- Very much. - Bye! - Bye!
- I'll be waiting for you. - Yes...
- Send me another kiss. - Bye! - Alright.
You hang up first!
Damn it!
Alfonso! How are you?
Protti! How's it going? It's been a while!
- How's your wife? Everything alright? - How are you?
- Hello! How are you? - How's the lady?
My wife is doing fine, thanks!
- Any children? - Not yet, unfortunately.
But my wife is doing great.
I must say that it was a wonderful wedding.
- Sure! - We were younger then!
- What are you up to? - I'm working.
I've been working all night long.
I can tell from your tired face.
Listen: why don't you come with us? We're leaving for a nice vacation!
- Seven days of peacefulness. - I wish I could...
- That's a wonderful idea! - What about my wife?
Your wife! I have a wife, too. We're all men.
- There's nothing wrong with it. - Come on. Make up your mind.
We'll be peaceful, all alone, nobody will bother us.
A spiritual break.
Come on, look! The bus is ready. We're leaving right now.
- Where to? - To the outskirts of Rome, to the Sacro Cuore site.
Memento pulvis es et in pulverem reverteris.
Which means...
"Remember, o man, that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."
- That's what it says in Genesis. - What's Genesis?
It's the first book of the Holy Bible.
- Thank you. – "Thus perishes the flesh of both the fit and the miserable,
"of both the powerful king and the wretched man."
Well, actually there are very few kings now.
Everyone equal before death.
If you want to die peacefully, you have to live righteously.
A good death is the fulfillment of a good life,
an untroubled death is the fulfillment of a joyful life.
If you have nurtured your soul...
with spiritual essence during your lifetime,
you won't be afraid of death, believe me dear brothers.
I dreamed about it last night, about death.
Having finished our spiritual exercises, we can now...
go to the chapel and thank God.
Afterwards, everyone may go back home...
to his workplace. See you next year.
- Shelled scampi must be cooked separately, okay? - Yes.
With some butter, some brandy and a clove of garlic.
You must mix them with the rice only when it's almost done,
otherwise the scampi will become all soft...
- and the rice will stay uncooked. - Right!
Then, don't forget to put in some of the water...
- that you used to cook the mussels. - Can I join you?
Sure!
We were talking about...
Yesterday, at the canteen we started talking...
I know we're not allowed to talk after the spiritual exercises,
but since the risotto that was served yesterday...
was something like poster glue...
So they asked me to provide a risotto recipe...
that I usually follow, using seafood. It's very good...
I'm glad.
I see that our spiritual exercises have been useful.
Father, you shouldn't judge only by this.
But I am, and I say: very well.
< Alfonso! - After mortification, joy.
- A healthy hymn to life to get ready for death. < Alfonso!
- Bravo! - Your wife's there.
Yes, it's Regina.
She couldn't wait any longer. Goodbye!
Shall we go? They're calling us.
- Hi, honey! How are you? - Fine!
- Don't you want to drive? - No! Go ahead.
That morning, I was leaving the office to come back home...
then... the streets were empty, I saw the bus,
Protti insisted... and I decided to go.
I don't care about where you've been! You've run away!
Run away? Why should I have run away?
I don't know! You're the one who left!
- Maybe you were afraid... - Afraid? Of what?
You stupid girl! Plain stupid!
Come on, don't cry. I said don't cry! Come on!
I'm not crying. Leave me alone!
Can you tell me what's wrong about what I did?
I went to practice spiritual exercises, I didn't go with other women!
I'll tell you why you ran away, then.
Because you've become old!
Old? For Christ's sake!
Holy Mother of God!
Where are we going now? Stop! Are you nuts?
Get off the car!
- Come on! - No, I want to go home.
We'll go later. Come here now.
I'll show you how old I am.
Say it! Come on, say that I've become old!
I have enough energy for twenty more women!
Where are you going?
I don't know what I should do to you. You've left me alone for six days.
- Six days, is that fair? - I'm sorry.
Come here, don't be silly.
What awful weather!
- Hello, aunt! - Get out, I'm getting dressed!
- Alfonso! - Hi, Igi.
- You know what you are? - No.
- Damn weather! - Don't say anything!
- Don't take the words out of my mouth! - Shut up!
Listen, it's something big!
- Come with me! - What's going on? - Come and see.
You'll see what...
Bravo! Bravo, Alfonso!
- You'll be a father! - You'll be a father, Alfonso...
Look at her! She looks like the Holy Virgin.
Go. Go, dear. Go!
Regina!
No! No salts, they're bad for you.
Impossible.
Drink some fruit mix, it's tasty and it's good for you.
Salts make you go to the toilet.
Fruits, otherwise, are good.
How was it for your sister?
My sister had a hard time.
There!
She couldn't eat anything, only drink.
My stomach hurts...
Seven months without anything solid.
Well done! Drink up!
You must eat well in your state.
- Eat and drink. - Good.
Drink it all up: how good it is! Well done!
I'll drink the rest now. How good it is.
It smells like tobacco! You must not smoke!
But Mr. Alfonso is a real maniac!
Right... He wants to stay young.
Men should all be killed!
May I, sir?
Hello!
I'm at your service, awaiting your orders.
- Turn around! - Why are you uncovering me?
Are we holding a naked exhibition here?
Don't worry! It's Pompa Marcelli!
Never mind me!
You know what happened to me once?
I made a bishop take out an insurance contract...
while he was sitting on the toilet, you see?
I was writing and signing on the outside.
Now imagine if I'm shocked by...
- your naked butt! - I'm not even wearing my pyjamas.
Nobody does nowadays.
I'm here to decide about one or two things.
The first one is the amount.
Fifty million, is that okay? Madam?
- What do you think? - It's up to you, Alfonso.
- An important amount is better. - Alfonso!
- You know, the depreciation... - Relax a bit!
- The premium, with time... - Don't tense up or it'll hurt!
What if you passed away?
- Let's touch wood, of course. - I already did!
- Fifty million is always... - Ouch!
Calm down, sir. It's good for you!
I can't do it.
What kind of contract, simple or mixed?
- You decide, Pompa Marcelli. - Thank you, madam. - It's the same.
- You hurt me! - Because you're always holding tight!
- Sure! - It's good for you, sir!
Right... Come on, rub me down a little.
There!
If it's such a big problem for you, you can tell me.
I'll have a nurse do it.
No, what are you saying?
- A small formality... - What?
Your signature. Below mine.
- From this moment on, you're insured. - Yes.
You made it, didn't you? You cheater!
- What are you saying? - I know their kind.
Insurance salesmen! My father was one of them.
- Madam, I'm leaving. Thank you. - Thank you.
If you need anything, I'm at your service.
- Wait, I'll see you out. - If you need a record player...
- Anyway, let's always touch wood, sir! - Yes.
- Thank you! - Goodbye, Pompa Marcelli.
This shot is terrible, I'm telling you!
- But, honey, it's always the same, isn't it? - I wonder!
- Come on, it's half past eight. - Yes.
Listen, darling, is it really necessary?
I barely know him, it's just "hello and goodbye" with him.
Open this can.
The other day I was walking with the bishop...
and he yelled, from the other side of the street:
"Hey, dude"!
- I know, he's so rude! - I pity him!
I told you. Leave him alone!
I never told him he could get so familiar with me.
He only went to primary school,
his first job was in a workshop, what else can you expect?
It's my fault, actually,
because I took him with me as business partner.
Listen, why do you make such thick slices, when it says:
- "very thin"? - But what does it say in brackets?
- "Optional". - "Optional".
So, they can be thick or thin. Let me do it.
"He who leaves the old way for the new one,
"knows what he's leaving, but not what he'll find".
Where's the oil?
- Here's your basil! Your basil! - Thank you! Is that all?
- It's enough! - It's not. - It is!
- I said a big bunch of basil. - That's enough!
Men don't know how to cook.
Let them take care of it; they're the cooks now.
I'll give you 15% for every signed promissory note that you get.
But you must have them signed right away, okay?
Alfonso, what are you doing in the kitchen?
Hi. I'm preparing a nice meal.
You'll see how good it is.
Why don't you stay with me?
- Let me finish here! - Why don't you let us cook?
Listen, don't piss me off!
You're already such a fatso and you want to cook the meals, too.
- I'll do it! - Alright!
Remember, half a glass of "Frascati" red wine.
- I'm not stupid. - When it's getting brown. - Sir! - Yes?
It smells good! What are you cooking?
- "Amatriciana" sauce! - You should give me your recipe, okay?
Sure. It's a piece of cake.
- Already here, Alfonso? - Hi, honey! How are you?
How beautiful you are today! You're gorgeous!
- Is that a new nightgown? - Yes. Empire style.
- Do you like it? - It's beautiful!
- What was on TV? - A boxing match.
- Did you like it? - It was okay.
You know what I'd like?
- What? - Some Marsala wine.
- I'll go get it right away. - No, never mind.
- I'll get some sleep now. - It's no trouble at all. - No, no...
You know what your Alfonso will do, then?
He'll get some rest beside his darling.
- Can I? - Be careful! - Sure!
You know, I was thinking...
What a mystery is fertilization, isn't that so?
Everything is created at that moment.
Better not think about it.
But certainly there must be...
some supreme being, otherwise how can you explain it?
Alfonso, let me sleep.
What was I saying?
Ah! The mystery of fertilization.
Imagine that he's inside here.
And then he grows, and grows, and grows.
The belly swells, swells, and then he's born.
Then he grows up and he gets married, too.
But... where's his head? Up or down?
Darling... it's up, now! Come on, be good!
Alright! I got it.
Poor Alfonso.
You have to understand, it's not like it used to be.
Now, he's inside of me.
You could hurt him or kill him... you're so violent.
Why didn't you tell me before?
I'm sorry, it's because I love you, you know that.
I didn't think about the child.
Right, we have to avoid any possible danger.
You're right, you know?
How long before he arrives?
Six and a half months.
Well, we still have time...
Why don't you go get a nice breath of fresh air?
- You don't have to sacrifice yourself! - But I'm happy to stay here.
Don't blame yourself because I have to carry the child.
Go! Take a walk. Go, Alfonso.
- Would you take this away? - Yes, sure.
- Bye! - Bye!
- Where can I go at this hour? - I don't know!
- Do you want some Marsala wine? - No, no, go...
Alfonso, be careful. Sometimes I can lose my patience too.
Sometimes, not always. Sometimes.
If you lose your patience, you know what?
Let's stay friends and say "goodbye"! So we can forget everything.
I've already made my decisions, alright?
You mean you'll give the job to your stupid brother-in-law?
The epileptic!
At least he doesn't lose his patience!
- Is that what you've been meaning to tell me for a while? - Yes.
What a friend! You've really changed, haven't you?
- I don't recognize you anymore. - Why have I changed?
You've changed! In my opinion, you've changed!
Go to hell!
Call Mr. Ercolani!
- You're looking for the owner? - Go! - I'm going.
- Mr. Alfonso! - Yes?
Your wife is waiting for you outside.
- Darn it! - Alfonso, where are you going?
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
I must make up my mind about Riccardo.
He thinks he's God Almighty!
Make up your mind! He's no partner, he's a thief.
- Go. - Come on, drive.
- No, you drive. - Should I?
Can't I drive?
- Let her drive! - She's pregnant!
Friendship... a business partner should remain as such and nothing else!
What a nice family!
That being delivered from the hands of our enemies,
we may serve Him without fear. In holiness and justice before Him,
all our days. And thou, child, shalt be called the prophet of the Highest,
for thou shalt go before the face of the Lord to prepare His ways:
to give knowledge of salvation to His people, unto the remission
of their sins. Through the bowels of the mercy of our God:
in which the Orient from on high hath visited us:
to enlighten them that sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death;
to direct our feet onto the way of peace.
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.
Alfonso! Here's your mom!
Alfonso, darling, this way your mom will be part of the family.
- Right... - These things happen, right?
Alfonso, don't cry...
- Dear... - For the payment, you can ask...
We're not here for that reason. Anyway, who would it be?
My brother-in-law: Igi.
Is he a reliable man? Thank you. Let's go.
Don't forget anything, especially DDT.
My God! How can you go down through this trapdoor?
The more you hesitate, the worse it will be.
Come on, Alfonso, let's go.
Is it really necessary?
Sure, so you can take a look at your mother's grave.
- Come on! - Alright.
Be careful! Watch the stairs.
- But... Alfonso... - Yes? - Come!
Yes.
- Be careful. - See, Alfonso...
it's a great honour for her to be buried here,
because there are only men in our Mausoleum.
Look over there.
My little Tiziano, who died when he was one year old.
Over there, my poor Giovanni.
Come, Alfonso, come and see.
This is our uncle from China, exactly as they sent it to us.
And this is our place.
- Listen... I need a breath of fresh air. - What's the matter?
I've been cleaning up for two hours and it never ends.
Go, Alfonso.
Clean every spot! Not just that corner!
- Your signature! - No way!
Stop! You scoundrel! He ate the paper!
- Director! - I have nothing! - There was a signature!
What's the matter, Alfonso?
Alfonso!
- Little girl... - Yes?
- Do you know where I can find a drinking fountain? - Yes, but the water's no good.
- What's your name? - Danila.
- How old are you? - Eight.
- Are you plucking flowers? - Yes.
- Where will you take them? - Come and see.
What are you doing? Are you nuts?
- Let go of me. - Don't be afraid. You're a grownup!
God, I'm feeling sick!
# Above the sea, the silver star shines... #
You're doing fine!
- Mother of God... - Pray for us.
- Good morning, ladies! - Good morning, sir!
- Always at work, aren't you? - Yes...
Very well!
Hello, Alfonso! Let me take a look at you! You're looking better today!
- Well, not bad... - I can tell.
You look good. I suppose you'll leave us soon! Bravo!
Sir, sit with us, so you can help us!
- Yes, yes... - Here, come here!
- You should wear this, so you won't get dirty. - Thank you.
- Let's wear it... - How are you today?
Not bad.
But I'm always a little hungry...
Why don't you stay with us?
You could start a partnership with Don Peppino.
I wish I could!
I can't help it: I have to leave next Monday.
First I have to go to Rome, then, on Tuesday, to Frankfurt, Germany,
to attend the International Meeting of Mercedes car dealers.
Listen, why don't we sing a good one?
Go on with your work!
- You start! - I will!
Go ahead!
# That bunch of flowers coming from the mountains... #
Regina!
Hi, Regina!
Hey! What's with the beard?
You know, I never shave... I walk around all day long...
so I get a little lazy.
- Are you taking the shots? - Yes! Twice a day.
Good!
How's your big belly?
You look terrific, you know?
Hello Regina, welcome back.
Good morning, ladies. No, don't bother.
- See, uncle? She's here. - Hello, dear!
You're looking wonderful...
- Did you go to the Public Health Service? - Sure.
- And to the Property Registration Office. - Why?
The house is mine! The land is mine!
- What do they want? - Let's go.
How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want you...
- to use the Giulietta Sprint? - But we sold the Mercedes...
Without telling me? To whom?
To Father Nicopolus.
At least you could have told me...
I don't want you to drive such a fast car.
I need to go back to Rome immediately. There's so much work to be done!
What? Won't you even stay until tomorrow?
What's the bank got to do with it? You can go in two or three days...
Right, they'll be waiting for me...
Don't worry, I'll call Riccardo.
I have to be there. You know that the new cars have arrived.
I must be there, too.
Don't worry! I have to come back to Rome, anyway.
I'll fix everything.
Don't rush things, Alfonso.
You know you are in a delicate situation.
Right, delicate...
Damn it!
No! I'm going to Rome next Thursday.
Too many stairs... It's too hard...
- Are you tired? - A little, you know...
I'm already forty; nothing can be done.
My legs feel weak.
It must be the weather changing.
You're looking good, instead.
More and more beautiful, you know? Congratulations.
You have such big, fat arms now...
Well, you know...
It's true what they say about maternity...
Come here...
- What do you want? - Come here, just a moment.
You know that I haven't touched these legs of yours for two months?
- Don't start with that... - Let me touch them...
- It's bad for you, Alfonso. - I'll tell you something.
Let's hear it!
No, I just wanted to smell you.
- Don't be silly. - It gets me excited.
- Stop it. - Come on...
- Don't be like that. - Why? - Let go of me.
I have every right, you know?
How tired I am.
You know, pregnancy hasn't affected you at all.
And here I am, a poor old man.
Don't say that.
I'm tired of everything I do in Rome.
What do you do in Rome?
I work!
Please...
Huh?
I want to get some rest.
Come here! You're driving me crazy!
Honey! Leave me alone!
You know it's bad for you.
Bad... how?!
- Are you mad at me? - No.
Sit here, let's get a little rest.
Yes.
You know, I can feel the hair on your skin, like the skin of ripe peaches.
You're beautiful, you know?
- Do you love me? - Sure!
Me too.
Come, Alfonso.
- Thank you! - Come, if you want.
Let him through!
Excuse us! Turn, turn...
Stay calm!
We'll go to a specialist doctor in Rome.
It's useless!
We have to go to Switzerland.
That's the only place where these things can be cured! Regina, where are you going?
You won't leave me alone, will you?
I'm here! I'm here beside you.
< Close the door.
Let's get to work! Come on!
Life is but a journey. You must always be ready!
- Seven hundred thousand. - Seven hundred thousand...
- One million. - One million...
- Seven hundred thousand. - Seven hundred thousand...
- All these are Ribulsi's? - Yes. One million, two hundred thousand.
- He never pays? - Never.
Cash them in at the bank.
- It's about time. - We've waited too long.
- I told Alfonso, but he's too kind. - I know.
"No need to worry... His Eminence..."
Now we'll have to stay close to Alfonso.
- But he's feeling better, isn't he? - Yes, a little.
You know what? Shall I go say "hi" to him?
- What do you think? - Yes. Go visit him.
He'll be happy. Would you like a piece of cake?
- No, thank you. - Bye, Riccardo! - Bye!
Later, I'll give you those letters from Germany.
Okay. Bye!
Hello!
I'd like to speak to the Mother Superior, please.
Yes, Regina.
Hello!
Yes, very well.
Yes, I'm eating a piece of cake.
I'm like a child again.
I'm greedy!
< Go away, you old bag!
- Excuse me.
Igi! Be quiet!
< I'm the boss here! - Hold the line.
< You must do as I tell you! Otherwise, that's the door!
- Igi! < Goddamn it!
What's going on?
< Things must be done as I say!
- What's going on? - You ugly artichoke!
If you don't stop, I'll punch you in the face!
- Igi, calm down! - No way!
We have to move Alfonso. We have plenty of time!
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today!
- Do as you wish! - You old crippled liar!
< You dirty old bag! < Piss off!
- She keeps me company. - She's nice.
She goes and picks up the newspaper for me every morning.
- I can't believe it! - Yes, exactly like a waiter.
Once, I didn't care about pets.
But you were wrong in buying the Jaguar.
- I have a customer for it! - Bornisi can afford it, we can't.
- They're coming to take you away. - Yes.
- I came to take the potty; I'm afraid it might turn upside down. - Go ahead.
But... Nothing today either?
She's really something.
What's all this mess?
- I'm moving. - Where are they taking you?
- To the other room. - The small one?
Yes, Regina needs a quiet place.
This one will be the child's room.
This room's big enough. You could have stayed.
It's a little unsanitary, you know?
- Big Alfonso! - Igi.
I brought you two new saint cards.
That's what you keep on giving me.
- Everything fine? - Yes, I'm okay.
- Oh, the working man! - What do you want?
Don't tell us to go to hell, but we have to move you now.
Listen, let's do something.
If you give me a hand, I can stand on my feet...
- and walk alone. - No! You can't move alone.
- Why? - That's what the doctor said.
- But I can do it, you'll see. - Come on, don't make any trouble.
- Can I do anything? - No.
Caretaker!
Excuse me!
- Hello. - Hello.
I'm sorry I have to show up like this,
- but we're working. - No problem.
Merciful doctor means dead patient. Come on!
There.
Look, Riccardo!
- Let me see! - It's quite a show! Look!
Diana! Diana, catch this!
- She caught it! - Did you see? She's good.
Come on, people!
Diana! Diana!
Stop just a moment!
- How nice! - Do you like our child's cradle?
- Come on! We can't stop! - Didn't we agree on a boy's?
- It's pink. - There's a blue one, too.
Don't stop! Come on!
If he wants to stop, he has every right.
- Easy! - His right, my eye!
The bed is cutting my finger!
Holy cow, he's like a dead weight.
Come on, Igi, stop it!
Diana!
- Diana! - There you are. Finally!
- We have finished. - Thank you!
- Do you need anything else? - Poor Alfonso!
- We have disturbed you too much. - You never disturb me.
- Sir, may I have a word with you? - I'll come right away. Wait for me outside!
- But I'm feeling great. - Do you want to sit down, Regina?
- No, thanks. I have so much work to do. - I'll sit down, then.
Are you alright, Alfonso?
Why are you so worried? Come on!
I'm the one who's worried about you!
Look. You even have a phone line.
That's completely useless.
Nobody will ever call me again.
It's useless.
- Igi, that bothers me! - What are you doing?
- So you can read! - Right in my eyes!
- Move it. - Point it that way!
My goodness... there!
- Does it bother you? - No. - That's okay.
How do you feel?
- Would you like a piece of cake? - No.
Maybe Riccardo would like to eat a sandwich?
- Sure! What would you like? - Just some tea with milk.
I'll bring it right away.
Igi, what are you doing?
I'm not asking for a whole jug! God Almighty!
I can give you a glass of wine...
- but just one, every now and then. - Stop it!
- Because hundreds of liters of wine go to waste! - Do you think...
She worries about everything.
How is she doing?
Is she doing okay in the office?
She's great.
She managed to sort everything out.
- I didn't think she could do it. - That's what I imagined.
Don't let her work too much, though.
- Don't worry. - You know, in her state...
- I'm worried about the child. - Don't worry.
Just think about getting better, okay?
- Where's the dog? - There she is! Diana!
Come.
- Come to your master! - She still carries the newspaper in her mouth?
- Yes. - She puts on quite a show.
She loves you, doesn't she?
You can't imagine what it means to become a father.
- You can't even sleep at night. - I know.
It's wonderful.
- And you don't want to get married! - There we go again!
I'm not as lucky as you, you know?
Finding a woman like Regina was a real stroke of luck.
But the children, you know? You can't understand...
- what it means to have a baby. - I can imagine.
What are you doing? Are you eating my hand?
Isn't it too small here?
No, it's great. Look.
There's a TV set, and the phone.
What do I need it for, anyway? I don't know.
And I'm far from anyone.
It's quiet, without any disturbances.
Look at that window. Look how nice it is.
You old bummer!
Damn it!
Are you nuts? What are you doing?
- Will you be baptized? - I will.
Alfonso Aloisio Giovanni Maria, I baptize you...
in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
May Almighty God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
He who hath regenerated you by water and the Holy Spirit,
and given thee remission of all thy sins, anoint thee...
with the chrism of salvation, in the name of the Christ Jesus our Lord,
unto life everlasting.
Amen!
Peace be unto you.
And to you also.